Decide what to accept, what to decline, and exactly how to say it, without guilt running the show.
About 15 minutes · 5 parts
Why this works. People overcommit because future time feels emptier than present time, even though it rarely is (Zauberman & Lynch, 2005). A few quick tests correct for that. The scripting method below, a "positive no," lets you protect your priorities while keeping the relationship strong.
Use this for any request you feel unsure about. Fill it in before you reply, not after.
Part 1Triage the request
1.The request, who's asking, and by when:
Would I say yes if this were happening tomorrow?
Does it serve one of my top values or goals?
Am I the best person for this, or just the easiest one to ask?
Do I know what I'll be saying no to by saying yes?
Hours it will really take
× 1.5 (realistic)
Taken from (what gets less)
Part 2Guilt vs. resentment
2.If I say no, I'll probably feel guilty about… (Guilt usually passes in days.)
3.If I say yes, I'll probably feel resentful about… (Resentment can last months.)
4.Which is the better trade?
Part 3Choose your response
Full yes
Yes, with conditions (scope, time, resources)
Not now (offer a real date)
No, with an alternative (a person, resource or smaller role)
Clean no
Part 4Script it
The positive no has three parts: yes to what you're protecting, a clear no, then yes to the relationship.
Example: "I'm protecting my mornings for the launch this quarter, so I can't lead this. I'd be glad to review the plan once it's drafted."
5.My yes (what I'm protecting):
6.My no (one clear sentence, no over-explaining):
7.My yes to the relationship:
8.If they push back, I'll say:
Part 5Prevent the next one
9.What standing rule would make this decision automatic next time? (For example: "No new commitments on Fridays.")
Created by Dr. Jennifer Johnston-Jones, PhD, licensed psychologist. Educational exercise for personal growth, not a psychological test, diagnosis or treatment.Want to work through this together? scienceofme.me/book